Men, just bear with me for a moment, I'm going to relay some information that we men don't really care all that much about nor do we understand the importance that women place on it, but I do know it's important to them so, like I said, bear with me!
We arrived at the hospital shortly after 5:00pm on Wednesday, November 28, 2012 and Courtney Lynn McDaniel was officially born at 7:13 pm...yeah 2 hours. It was incredible. Brittney is a champ when we're holding out on her epidural, but that's not even the start of it.
...I wish. It was supposed to be all over and everything was fine blah, blah, blah...but it wasn't all over. We didn't know it at the time, but it wasn't all over. There was bleeding we didn't know about. Hemorrhaging as they call it. I might normally use the term bleeding like a stuck pig, but I won't use such a comparison in this case, because I fear I might be flogged, or crucified, or something worse. But nonetheless, she was losing a lot of blood.
So Amy decided to check it out, she was pretty sure she knew what was causing the bleeding, but needed to confirm and then fix it. Now what comes next might frighten small children or make grown men blush, I don't fully know what the heck any of it means or if I'm using the correct words or even spelling things correctly, but here goes.
She was bleeding a lot!
placenta, uterus, cervix, membranes, bleeding
They fixed it!
And then all was well in the village, and the angels sang and the peasants rejoiced.
Something about a DNC without any anesthesia...apparently the anesthesiologist wouldn't put her under since she had just eaten a cheeseburger immediately after giving birth...just try not to think about the placenta that had just been in the room. But they had to get all the leftovers outta her so they did a bedside DNC with just some demerol for the pain. Everybody who knows anything about that procedure has bowed down at the feet of Brittney for being able to undergo that without being put under. Apparently it's a horrible procedure that should have had her screaming and donkey-kicking people in the face, but she took it like a champ...she was like "hey hurry up with that crap so I can get that daiquiri they promised me!" Poor thing she misheard when somebody said something about diapering Courtney....to this day she has yet to have that daiquiri that brought her through the pain so effortlessly.
So the procedure was a success...they stopped the bleeding but then the told us about her hobgoblins being depleted so she was going to have to stay an extra day in the hospital. Remember that part in the last story about my beautiful wife being quite thrifty...yeah all that stuff that just happened was totally freaking her out...all she heard was "blah, blah, blah, this is gonna be expensive." The anesthesiologist was in the room monitoring the procedure and kept offering to give her a little somethin somethin for the pain but she kept refusing, finally he told her it was on the house so she just let him have her way with her...wait that doesn't sound right. He let him shoot her up....uhh, she let him slip her something to make it all go away....Crap I don't know how to word that so that my wife doesn't sound like a junkie...especially after seeing her arms. The Dr. gave her some pain killers...there, that's better.
So they finally got everything fixed and sent us into a postpartum room and let us have our baby. Of course I've left out the part where everybody who had come to visit came in and held the baby and took more pictures than a bus load of Japanese tourists who just spotted Kelsey Grammer. (True story I heard just this Tuesday)
There's a whole lot of details that I'm skipping over, because, frankly they just aren't that funny or terribly important. I will say that we had a few very good friends and amazing family members come by and visit and my parents were awesome for taking care of our 18-month-old little angel.
Oh my gosh, how can you not love that little girl????? She's such a cutie pie!
Thursday passed and her hobgoblins were still dropping so when Friday rolled around that told us she needed some blood. That's right, just like Blade III or Twilight Rising Moon, or whatever that crap is, my wife is a vampire. She had to have more blood or she was going to die! You should have seen her eyes when they said transfusion...it was creepy. It frightens me that my wife who hates "procedures" and has never wanted a "procedure" in her life was quite alright when they started talking about giving her some blood. I tried to bring some logic into the mix and suggest we get some more facts and make a well educated decision regarding the "procedure" especially after her Nanny had complications associated with a transfusion many years ago. But she wouldn't listen, she was consumed with a bloodlust. She just had to have it. She was able to disfigure herself somehow and change her appearance...I mean not like completely changed like she morphed into a puma or anything like that...it was more like she changed colors kinda like a chameleon but maybe not quite so drastic a change as a chameleon might make. But her face was a bit colorless nonetheless. Another sign that was a dead giveaway was the fact that vampires and silver don't mix. You see, when she came into the hospital she removed her wedding ring, which isn't exactly silver, it's white gold which is practically the same thing as silver...I mean after all they are the same color and they're metal and everything. So she transformed her appearance and she "suddenly" needed to take off her silver colored jewelry, and she made several negative comments regarding the cross hanging in her room, not to mention her consuming 2 units of blood. So I ask you...if not a vampire, then what is she?
Not that it bothers me at all, vampires are kinds cool. I just thought you all should be aware.
So once the transfusion got did, she was good to go. Her hobgoblins perked up and the sent us out into the not so cold, hard world.
And so it begins............
Just a little recap....Incredible Hulk > Superman > Hulk> Wonder Woman> Hulk> Nicholas Sparks Heroine> Snow White> Wonder Woman> Nicholas Sparks Heroine> Old Mother Hubbard> Vampire > Mother of the Year...i think that about covers the birthing experience